𝗦𝗽𝘂𝘇𝘇𝘂𝗺, 𝗕𝗖

𝘣𝘺 𝘌𝘭𝘰𝘪 𝘙𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘉𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘰𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘢

Vector Shamoon kicked open a door with his heavy black boot, unleashing a shower of wood and metal splinters on an empty stairwell floor.

He peered left and right, checking that the way was clear.

“Stop grabbing me by the antennae, you ill-mannered lout!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

The small creature Vector was escorting shrivelled up a bit more and took on a look that was even more pathetic than before.

Vector heard a sniffle and and whimper. Looking down at the alien creature he had apprehended, he said, “Trying to look cute?”

The alien had taken on the appearance of a humanoid baby with huge eyes and puffy cheeks.

“I knew it wouldn’t work on a clodhopping barbarian, but no harm in trying,” said the creature, “You humans are known for your stupidity.”

“We’ll see,” came Vector’s response.

Vector rushed up several flights of stairs, dragging the alien behind him.

A beam scanned Vector and the figure he was gripping tightly. Something beeped, and a mechanical voiced chimed, “Access denied.”

“No shit! It’s because of this alien piece of shit I have with me!”

Suddenly a video screen lit up, it was Vector’s commander at the Space Force.

“Vector, son, what are you doing?”

“I’ve located and neutralized a threat to our planet, Commander,” Victor reported with pride.

“Shamoon, that’s no alien you got there—it’s a human child! You were ordered to get some R&R after your last breakdown. Now, I suggest you follow orders, let the child go, and return to your barracks.”

“Sir, it’s a trick—this alien is like a fuckin’ chameleon. It can easily adopt the appearance of a human child.”

“Shamoon, it’s been five centuries since the Space Force has been in service and not once have we found even an iota of evidence for the existence of alien life, neither here on earth, nor in space.”

“Now, I’m pleading with you, son,” the commander reached his had out toward the camera, “Stand down and release the child.”

Defeated, Victor complied.

“Sir, you’re making a big mistake,” he muttered under his breath.

The commander turned to one of his aides, “For God’s sake, get Shamoon off this base! And someone find that kid’s parents!”

•••

On the way back to their planet, the aliens Prip’ss, Fjaldispore, and Grim’kaach joined each other in high pitched laughter.

They took turns mimicking Shamoon’s deep voice.

“You should have seen Shamoon’s face when his commander berated him,” said Fjaldispore, chuckling.

“That was a close call—how did he discover you?” asked Grim’kaach.

Prip’ss turned grey with embarrassment.

“I’d rather not say,” said Fjaldispore.

Prip’ss was a female of the species, and she could not lie. “We were engaged in coitus, so our camouflage could not be on,” she said, “I was able to get away, but the human buffoon grabbed Fjaldi.”

Grim’kaach reeled in his tentacles, and just as he was about to add this new information into the mission report, his body disintegrated upon being hit with a focused energy beam.

Fjaldispore was holding a smoking laser pistol.

Prip’ss screamed, “What have you done?!”

“I got rid of Grim’kaach, honey,” he said, “Now, I’m turning this ship back to Earth—you and I are going to settle there, in a place called Spuzzum, British Columbia.”

Fjaldispore then performed the matrimonial dance.

“Oh yes,” Prip’ss cried out, “Yes, I’ll marry you!”

•••

Two centuries have passed, and today, unbeknownst to the Space Force—or anyone else for that matter—there is a thriving alien community in Spuzzum, BC. Should you wish to visit, I would highly recommend that you take a copy of this story, and make the residents read it. After 200 years, even the locals have forgotten where they came from. ✦

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Eloi Roman Bengochea was born in Vanuatu but now resides in Hamilton, Ontario. His recent anthology, Rebels and Exiles: An Anthology of Dystopian Sci-Fi has been published by Planetesimal Press, publishers of Granfalloon, Speculative Fiction Zine.